Are you Assertive or Aggressive?

• Do people often become defensive or shut down when you try to express your point?

• When you try to communicate your feelings or needs, do things end up getting even more stressful, painful, complicated, or conflicted?

• Do people tell you that you are being more aggressive than you feel that you are?

If so, you are not alone. Many people struggle to communicate with others because they are overly aggressive in their communication style, even when they don’t mean to be. Many people don’t even realize when they are aggressive! Aggression makes it difficult to have mutual respect with others, complicates finding solutions to problems, and encourages others to be opposing or resentful. Some common factors of aggression include:

• Using loud or hostile tones
• Swearing, name calling, or using demeaning language
• Demanding attention to your view without listening to others’ opinions
• Bullying to get your point across
• Having threatening body language, such as having clenched fists, glaring eyes, or invading others’ personal space
• Interrupting or talking over others
• Being humiliating or condescending with your words or actions
• Using violent words, gestures, or actions

What we really want to strive for is assertiveness. Assertiveness means that you are capable of standing up for yourself and expressing your feelings or needs in a way that communicates your point of view without disrespecting others.  You are able to have an open and honest conversation about how you feel without becoming intimidating, threatening, or escalating the situation. In addition, communicating in an assertive way strives to be open to strategies that will help resolve the issue and breeds trust and respect with others.

 
Benefits of practicing assertiveness over aggression:

• Healthier, more effective relationships
• Better communication skills
• More respect from those around you
• Increased ability to get your needs met
• Decreased stress, interpersonal conflicts, guilt, anxiety, depression, or other problems that occur after you become aggressive.
• Increased self-esteem
• Resolution to conflicts so that you can move forward from problems
• Increased intimacy, trust, and safety with others
• Overall, people will have a greater desire to be around you and you will have closer and more meaningful relationships!

 
6 ways to reduce aggression and increase effective self-assertion:
 

1. Modulate your Tone – A calm and even tone that is not overly loud, shrill, or harsh will help the other person be better able to hear your point and work towards a resolution.  

 

1. Be Aware of your Body Language – Avoid clenched teeth or fists, crossed arms, glaring eyes, a posturing demeanor, or crossing others’ personal boundaries. Try instead to keep your body relaxed and open, take deep breaths, and take a time-out if needed.

 

1. Choose your words carefully – Avoid swearing, name-calling, blaming, ultimatums, being condescending, or using other words that will be upsetting or disrespectful to the person that you are talking with.

 

1. I Statements: “I Statements” are an effective and simple communication strategy that can greatly contribute to more effective conversations. Using “I statements” helps the people that we are talking to be better able to hear the feedback we are saying, without eliciting defensiveness from them. It also allows us to express our feelings without blaming.

• Non-I Statement: You never help around the house! You make me so mad!!

• I Statement: I feel frustrated when I have to clean the house on my own. It makes me feel overwhelmed. I wish that you would be more helpful with the chores.

  The main goal of “I statements” is using “I” to communicate how you feel, instead of “You” which comes across as blaming.
 

1. Happy Sandwich: This is *by far* my favorite communication strategy. When we are upset, or dealing with something difficult, it is quite easy to hurt someone’s feelings (or get ours hurt!) while trying to communicate. As we communicate, we often create a greater conflict with even more layers by being overly aggressive or blaming. The “happy sandwich” is a way that we can communicate feedback in a non-hurtful way so that it promotes positive changes in a relationship instead of increasing problems!

 
Often when we are angry with people, we lose empathy for them or become disconnected from the things that we appreciate in them. The “happy sandwich” is an easy 3-step process that will not only help others take in what we are saying, but will also help maintain empathy, decrease frustration, and stay connected with the greater purpose—resolving the conflict!
 
          1.      Begin by saying a positive statement or something that you appreciate in the person.
 
          2.      Using an “I statement,” express your feelings or needs.
 
        3.   Complete your statement by going back to another positive statement, such as reminding the person that you care or telling the something that you appreciate in them.

Using the example above, it may look like this: “I think it is great that you cleaned out the garage for us yesterday. However, I am feeling really overwhelmed with the house, and wonder if you can help with the kitchen today? I love you and want us to be able to relax and enjoy our weekend together.”

Remember, one of the goals here is to decrease conflict. By using this strategy, we are encouraging the conflict to be resolved, instead of feeding the anger, blame, or problem at hand.
 

1. Decrease Reactivity: Think before you speak!! Count to 10, take a time out, or try another strategy to increase the amount of time before saying something that you will regret later!!

For many people, effective communication and managing aggression is very challenging, and is an ongoing source of frustration. The age-old saying that “Practice makes perfect” is a necessary mindset when it comes to this topic. Every time you face an issue, you have an opportunity to practice being more assertive and less aggressive. Also, remember that these strategies can be used in any type of relationship: With your partner, children, family, colleagues, or anyone else that you interact with. By increasing your self-assertion, and thereby decreasing aggression, you can create a climate in your life that promotes happiness, love, peace, and connection with others—instead of anger, stress, conflict, guilt, and isolation.  Which do you choose?


All the best,

Dr. Sarah Ray
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